Twice a coco bridesmaid--not the coco bride

I begin this with lyrics from Whitesnake--Here I go Again

"I don't know where I am going

But I am sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

Here I go again, here I go again

Though I keep searching for an answer

I never seem to find what I am looking for

Oh, Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on

'Cause I know what it means

To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I have ever known

Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

And I've made up my mind

I ain't wasting no more time

I'm just another heart in need of rescue

Waiting on love's sweet charity

And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days....."

This song really has resonated with me for many time periods in my life.  Especially this year with Cocodona. I DNFd last year with lung issues which I attributed to getting a cold and it got worse and it went to my lungs.

I want to preface this with something I want to be very clear about.  I didn't finish the race and it sucked.  However, every single mile I loved. I had an amazing journey with my friends and family. In each section there was something magical and beautiful.  If I only see the negative and dwell on the disappointment I will lose faith in the ability to dream and challenge myself to fulfill those dreams.  I have said from the beginning, being part of Cocodona and about being part of something bigger than me.  I went into this race as one version of myself and came out better. For many it is hard to understand why I do these races and don't just stay home.  Be on the sidelines. 

I was asked why would I even try to do Cocodona when the finish rate is so low?  This was my response and I stand by it with my whole soul and live it.  I lived it for this race and I have no regrets standing at the start line to give it another go!

"This race will push the limits of human capabilities.  I will see places only accessible by foot. I will experience amazing sunrises and sunsets, moonlit nights, water crossings, full starry nights, and meeting amazing humans out there. I will be a part of something bigger than me. I get to share this adventure with my family and friends. With other like minded people who get it. Who all want to be part of something bigger than they thought they could do. With genuine compassion, support, and respect for each other. Without competition. Without big money, pay out wins. Without limits. We have one life to live. One life to be part of something bigger. One life to experience a life moving through it by your own power vs watching it go by from a window of a car or a tv screen. So why? That is why. Will it be easy? No. Will it change me? Yes, for the better. Why not be about raising that percentage. Why not see what I can do and inspire someone to try to see what they can do too.

This race isn’t all about me and look at what I can do. It is incredibly empowering to be alongside other people who are pushing themselves, who have stepped way out of their comfort zones to do this. 

An amputee finished this race carrying the American Flag the entire time. That is amazing!!  Can you imagine the drive, dedication and determination it took to do that? To part of the percentage who finished!! 

If we never try to do hard things, to do things that challenge us-intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically—how can you know?

When I die, I want to be sitting there on my last resting place with no regrets. With a body not perfectly preserved. With a body that lived! That has imperfections, scars, a mind full of memories to tell my grand and great grandchildren.

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea or how they see their days and that is okay. Everyone’s passion is as unique as a snowflake falling from the sky. The difference is I will stick my tongue to savor that snowflake vs tightening my jacket and going inside.

This my friends. Is my WHY."

I DNFd last year and I was absolutely devastated and went into a pretty dark depression following.  I learned a lot from that DNF and wanted to come back this year, stronger, smarter and ready for anything that came at me. I hired a coach.  I refined my plans.  I refined my pack, my boxes for the crew, my fueling-everything-I reworked it all for the finish. In the months leading up I stayed on top of my vitamins, my immunity protections, all the things to keep this body protected.  I got my menopause under control with low dose hormones.  I did absolutely everything as perfect as I could get it.

In the taper weeks I was doing what my husband calls Coco-nesting.  Getting the boxes labeled and clothes and all the stuffy stuffs organized.  Mentally, I was nervous, but more excited to get the show on the road.  I was 100% ready.

Day before the race Kevin and I had breakfast with the kids and hit the road to Black Canyon City.  

The traffic was a little crazy with I-17 shut down but the detours were not too bad.  We got in and into a good spot with the camper.  Headed over to check in, excited to get the show rolling.  Was able to get some swag for my friends and us.  Hugged Tom who is a number one fan and at the aid stations.

Chatted with friends, Kyung Lee and Jenny Dolak and her husband Jay about how they are feeling, how training was etc.  Kyung and I both DNF last year and we have spent many miles together .  Jenny and I are both Triple 50 finishers of the local 50 milers--we have all three spent some miles together and apart on the same trails.

Time came for the race briefing.  Steve had everyone gathered and talked about some specifics and changes that we needed to be aware of.  Most of which we knew from scouring the facebook posts.  At the end of the briefing we went up to Steve to ask a hypothetical question.  Our friend Georgette was having her 3 donkeys, Jethro, Waldo and Hank transported to Colorado for the summer and our friends Lynn and Linda were coming down to take them to Colorado.  Lynn and Linda were also pacers and crew support for us.  So I asked Steve, if there was a possibility of donkeys finishing with me, would that be okay?  He said Hell Yeah.  I was so excited that it would happen!!

We went back to our camp spot and organized the boxes and back of the truck so it would be easy for Kevin to do crew duty out of.  All of the boxes spread out and make things fit.  Hoping we had it all right,  which of course would change all the time.

Earlier we had ordered and picked up dinner from Beni's so we had dinner just to heat up in the microwave.  Very easy.  Their food is so good.  I ordered spaghetti and meatballs and Kevin had raviolis. I had their food before the training run on the first 37 miles so I knew it would be okay on my stomach.  Well we went to turn the generator back on and it wouldn't start.  This was a new generator and quite annoyed it wouldn't start but we could deal with it.  If that is the worst that happens, it would be okay.  We heated it on the stove and it was no big deal.

That night we laid down to sleep--prayed our Lord to keep maybe a little.  The highway noise and other noises were so loud.  It was hard to sleep.  Hindsight, I would put in earplugs.  I slept maybe 2-3 hours.  Kevin didn't sleep much more--he could nap later though, maybe.

Alarm went off at 3 am.  Need to get checked in for the Spot tracker between 4-4:30.  Steve the race director reached out to have me carry a second tracker they were testing out.  So I was set up with one on each side of my pack.  No problem.  We just need to make sure we transfer them to the other pack later on.

Went back to the camper to try to get in some food and coffee.  Drank a coconut drink, coffee, breakfast sandwich and said I am as ready as I can be.  I got some pictures with friends and of all the excitement of the race start.  They do the countdown and send us off.  Everyone takes off running like it is a 5K, then reality hits and people, some anyways, slow down.

Black Canyon City to Crown King--37 miles, 10,341 feet gain, 6,574 down

In the first 37, aid is limited because it is so remote.  There is an aid station at 8 miles, water station at 11 and 25 miles, another aid station at 33 miles.  It is rugged, hot, exposed, rocky, steep; the hardest section of the entire race. I have done this section twice on training runs.  I know what to expect and how to manage the heat and the heavy pack I would be carrying.  I wasn't too worried about this section for the race.  

It started out well.  However, about a mile into the race I had to go to the bathroom.  Which was strange.  I had diarrhea.  Not typical running poops, diarrhea.  Maybe it was nerves.  I picked back up the pace and kept going and had another bout of diarrhea.  Uh oh, this is not good.  I carried pepto chewables and chewed up a couple.  By now I am in last place from the stop.  Came to the first water crossing which I was prepared for with a change of socks and lube.  Some like to go through the water and let the feet dry, I am not of that club.  I get going and again another diarrhea.  Thankfully it was the last one.  I have since figured out it was the coconut water I had in the morning.  However, it concerned me to fall behind on hydration-so I tried to drink up the water and knew I would be able to top off at 8 mile aid station. I ran into Ann who I had been talking to on Facebook over the year with her journey to her first Cocodona.  She was taking it nice and steady and not pushing her knee and body too hard.  It was great to meet her in person!

I started with a 3L hydration bladder with 4x12 oz ice logs in it, I put a liter of water in it to start with and the goal was to drink it by the 8 mile aid station.  Ice logs are bottles of water we froze and cut the plastic off and put in the bladders.  Keeps the water cold longer than standard ice cubes. I had a 2L bladder with 2 ice logs in it which I would fill with water and tailwind powder at the 8 mile aid station.  I had a 16 oz soft flask bottle with tailwind in it that I would drink before the 8 mile aid station.

Shortly before I got into the aid station the drone was with me which was kind of crazy because I was thinking, oh dear Lord, please no potty breaks!!  It was also a little freaky because more than once I thought it was bees.  The drone followed me all the way to the aid station.  The aid station was awesome.  The guy helping me liked my ice logs and helped with my tailwind.  I had a little snack and took an avocado wrap to go.  Just up the hill was a cooler with popsicles!!  Yummy.  I had an orange one.  What a treat. Let the climbing begin.  I chatted with some runners along the way.  It was nice I was catching people with being so far behind with my stomach issues.

Shortly after the 8 mile aid the 11 mile water station came up.  We had a special treat at this aid station besides the water top off.  We had popsicles again and dry ice cold towels.  I was able to dunk my cold neck towel in there and it stayed cool for quite awhile.  The gentlemen at the aid station were so full of energy and excitement.  It was fun to see out in the middle of nowhere.

The key to surviving this section is to keep steady and go where the shady parts are as much as possible.  Often I would see people squatting down in the shade.  Any breaks should be in the shade.  I came up to a group of 4 or 5 women and a girl I met at the start, Bubbles was with this group.  She called it the Estrogen Parade.  Vicki, Ann's friend was there and she was struggling with the heat and nausea.  I was able to give her some pepto chews and saw she was in good hands and moved on.  Another runner moved on with me, Rachel.

Rachel and I spent almost the whole rest of that first 37 together.  Throughout the race while I was on my own I had my inreach GPS satellite device with me so that I could send Kevin messages and updates.  I had sent him a message that I was doing well and that I had made a friend.  He sends a message back, is her number 130?  I said yes, her name is Rachel.  He said he is with her family hanging out!  It was so funny.  So as I was able to send messages about myself, I could let them know also that she was doing well!!

Rachel and I got to talking about all kinds of things and it turned out we are both occupational therapists and work with pediatrics.  Who knew in a race of 207 people, that I would link up with another OT and that her family would be with Kevin.  We had a lot of fun.  

My best memories through there is when the wind would blow we would turn to it and it would cool and dry our sweat soaked shirts cooling us down.  Somewhere in there I got the part from the Elf movie where he is telling his dad, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" So when the wind would blow we would say that and just laugh.  Kevin had messaged that we must be miserable with the wind, if he only knew seeing us!!

Another crazy thing happened out there.  The ice logs I put in my bladder didn't melt.  I use an insulated sleeve around the bladders also, but usually the logs melt.  I had taken a sip of water and I was out.  I pulled the bladder out and they were almost as solid as when I started.  So I took the insulated sleeve off and thought the heat from my body would melt them.  Nope.  So then I put it on the outside of my pack in the sunlight to melt them.  Very little.  Then I had to beat them with my trekking poles to break up the ice to see if banging them together would help them melt.  It helped some.  I kept hoping for a water crossing/stream I could filter to put some water in to help melt the ice down.  I was trying to remain calm and not freak out.  Finally we came to one that was decent to filter from.  Rachel was so kind and patient with me as we squeezed the water into the bladder.  With the filter in place it goes through very slowly.  I put the bladder back in the pack and off we went.  

All the logs in the freezer ready to be loaded in the packs for the race duration.

This is the first time this happened in my pack that they didn't melt.

Somewhere around the 20-21 mile mark we came across two people sitting on the side of the trail.  We asked how they were doing and they said they were out of water. The woman looked pretty rough and we helped them out with sharing what we could.  I broke up more pieces of ice, which by this point I was down to just my ice again.  I banged it with a rock and was giving her chunks of ice and trying to get them in her small flask.  I was giving her chunks of ice and the other runner that was with her too.  We had another runner come up behind us and I gave him some ice too.  Rachel and I joked that we could make millions selling ice in the middle of this course.  Of course, I wouldn't sell it--I would gladly give it away to help another.

Meanwhile Kevin was at Bumblebee ranch hanging out with other crews and taking pics of the horses and watching the tracker. Always watching the tracker.

Unfortunately as a result of banging my ice chunks up with a rock, I caused a leak in my bladder so I had to carry it in my hand folded up where the leak was.  We knew the water point wasn't much further.  I kept thinking we would be close to the water because I know you can see the old house structure from up high.  I was getting excited and trying to stay positive and I joked that our march to the water was like how they do in the movies.  When all the horses and men are lined up and the leader throws down the sword and shouts some chant to indicate to forge into battle.  I said, throwing my sticks forward like a sword all Braveheart like, "ONTO THE WATER!"  We were gallantly shouting and looking earnestly for the water stop.

Finally we see the structure and make our way down.  I fill up my 1 Liter filtered water from the creek.  They fill us up with our 1 Liter and a small amount more for helping the other people.  We let them know we were concerned about the woman.  I am not sure if she DNF there or not.  Filled up with water and the 1 Liter I could drink freely.  I had put the water in my tailwind bladder which was empty.  I was able to put away my 3L bladder and not carry it in my hand anymore.  I was never in a panic per say about the whole water incident.  I was annoyed by it and concerned about falling behind on hydration especially with having the diarrhea at the beginning.  We had 8 miles to the mile 33 aid station.  I needed to take a little sit down to get some calories in and Rachel was feeling really good so she forged on.  Which I was perfectly fine with.  We talked about it prior and we were both in agreement if one needed to push forward it was okay.  I could have done that section alone, but it sure was way better having Rachel there and for us to share stories, share in the views, share in the silliness of how great wind is.  I will never take wind for granted again.  We talked about inventions--I won't share what we talked about, in case one of us figures it out.  That is the magic of a race like this, it is the connections with people you make that you will have for a lifetime.

She pushed on shortly before the final climb up Lane mountain.  I was looking forward to this climb because in the two times I have done it before, it was not marked and in the dark.  I get to do this with markers and in the daylight!  What a treat.  It is absolutely gorgeous.  I also passed a few people here including Jester, who is legendary in the ultra running community and I ended up passing him.  The wind had gained some more force through here and it started to get quite cold.  I carried layers with me expecting this to happen and boy was I thankful.  I also carried a headlamp and a couple other small lights.  I didn't carry the kogalla because of the weight.  Hindsight, I wished I did because I couldn't see very well for the last several miles and I wished I could have run through there.  I tripped several times and I was on a road, and wasn't willing to risk it.

I got into the Lane Mountain aid station, always happy to see people.  Boy these folks were getting hammered by the wind.  They lost several tables flipped over.  It was so bad.  But, in wonderful support they gave me two cups of nice and hot broth.  Drank some coke.  Put on some pants. Got a little more water, I was out.  Sent a message to Kevin I was leaving Lane Mountain.  Getting to that aid station is such a pivotal moment because literally the worst is behind you.  I was full of joy and happiness and wanted to run, but I just couldn't see very well so I moved as quickly as I could.  I was scooting along. When along comes someone with a headlamp.  He said, nice job runner.  I said, thanks honey--it was Kevin.

He walked with me the rest of the way to the aid station where he had everything set up by the truck.  I went into the aid station and gave them some sunglasses I found on the road.  I found a hat earlier in the day and turned it into another aid station.  I saw my friend Tom and I got some food, used the toilet and went to Kevin's aid set up.  Plan was to charge everything, change clothes, wipe down with baby wipes, swap out a big pack for a regular smaller pack, layer up for night, push calories in, change out of contacts to my glasses for the night time.  It was a lot of stuff for Kevin to do by himself all by headlamp.  I ended up changing completely by the side of the truck vs going up to the bathroom to change--saved time.  The food I got, I couldn't eat it.  It was a pulled pork sandwich and potato salad.  Since I was at the back of the pack I was concerned the potato salad had been out and I got scared of stomach issues.  The sandwich was cold and I just couldn't eat it.  Kevin made me some mashed potatoes that I tried to eat.  Eventually giving up on eating and would just have to make do with my snacks in my pack.  I drank some V8s, a coffee drink, recovery drink, water and I left.  Hindsight, I will need to have a meal here that I know I can eat and can be heated up and I can carry with me to eat.  The lack of calorie and caffeine dump affected the next 34 miles.  Before I headed out Kevin told me to watch a turn up ahead that people have been missing.  I am glad he told me because there were several turns without markings.

Favorite part of this first 37--the views are amazing.  I mean you are really out in the middle of nowhere in the mountains.  The rains made so many greener areas.  Cactus' were blooming everywhere.  The wind was so delightful.  Sharing the miles with Rachel and talking about our common interests outside of running was so fun.  Her energy and positivity was infectious.  Loved the 11 mile aid station and how motivating and high energy they were.  It is a hard section, but there is beauty if you open your mind to see it.

Crown King to Arrastra Creek--16 miles, 2,838 ft gain, 2,928 down

This section was a weird and whacky section for me.  I enjoyed going through the roads and seeing all the houses and thought this would be pretty to see in the daytime.  What a great mountain town area.  I had left with way too many layers on and had to take some off, tying them to my pack. Thinking, I should have kept my big pack to put layers in.  I checked the gps often at each intersection without any issues.  I knew we would be going downhill soon and thought it would be nice to run a little downhill.  I ran into a couple runners out there, Kyung Lee and another guy we leap frogged a lot with each other.  Saw a few people trail napping--I think.  I say I think, because I began hallucinating.

I messaged my group of crew and friends, "Hallinating.  Took some caffeine.  This section has been endless.  Diggin deep for you all.  Trying so hard.  Alone with things not real."

For a while, I had Aslan the lion from the Chronicles of Narnia.  I remember feeling something brush up against my leg and I looked down and there he was next to me talking like he does in the movies with words I didn't know or understand.  I was comforted by him being there.  I asked him how much further and he wouldn't reply.  He just walked beside me until I looked down and he wasn't there anymore. I was sad he wasn't there and longed to have his company again. 

I crossed some water and rocky area and when I looked down, it was all arrowheads and it was mesmerizing how many there were.  I reached down to pick up one and it was a normal rock.

In the shadows of rocks and trees I saw elephants, hippos, and giraffes.  I saw extinct wooly mammoths and their tusks laying on the ground.  As I would reach to pick the tusks up, they were branches.

I saw a guy sleeping on the road with a blanket on him that looked like the clock on Big Ben and I could hear it ticking loudly.

I saw other things laying on the side of the road that were not real. Mostly animals, some dead, some alive. None real.

I knew I needed a nap but I was so afraid that if I laid down I would sleep too long.  I knew I just needed to keep pushing until the sun came up and I would be better. 

At one point one of the guys in front of Kyung and I stopped us and said there is a situation up ahead.  He said there were 3 bears drinking from the water crossing and he turned back.  He said he thought they went up on this ridge. So it makes perfect sense that 3 sleep deprived runners go investigate.  Kyung has this little bell on her poles that she was shaking at the bears.  I am clicking my poles together.  He is looking for them.  I never saw them.  I am not 100% sure they were even real.  We stayed together just in case.  

Thankfully the sun came up and it was helping to get the clock reset.  There were several runners at the aid station curled up in chairs around a big fire.  It was so cold.  I got a cup of lukewarm hot chocolate.  I ate 1 and half spring rolls, there were only 3 left so I shared them with Kyung. I closed my eyes for 10 min and asked if they would wake me at 6am and I would move on. I slept approximately 2 minutes.

Favorite part of this section--coming into Arrastra creek was gorgeous.  It was an awesome place I would love to camp at and explore more.  It was so peaceful with the water  running in the creek.  I would like to come back and see more in the daylight and do a training run here.  Simply gorgeous.  I would take a nap prior and just trust I will wake up.  I think it would have helped more.  I am thankful I got to see this section.

Arrastra Creek to Kamp Kipa 9.7 miles, 2,702 feet gain, 451 down

I knew there was a climb ahead, it seemed like a steady climb but I knew there would be a big one towards the end.  It started out nice and steady and the layers just kept coming off and tied to my body and pack.  I looked like a homeless person with everything tied to me. It became quite annoying but what else could I do?  I was trying to eat and drink.  Kevin messaged me that only I could push to get to friendly pines, then they could help me.  The area was gorgeous through Arrastra and heading towards Mt Union.  It was clear this is where the fires happened that caused the reroute from last year.  It is always sad to see the damage from fires and it will be good to see the regrowth.   The steep climb up Mt Union sucked.  We all kept looking at our watches for how much more we have to climb.  It should be added to the list of climbs to be prepared for.  The section description says, drop down into Kamp Kipa so we kept expecting the trail or road to go down into this mysterious aid station.  When it did it was surprising and annoying.  You drop down alright like a mile or so to the aid station then you have to climb the same hill out.  At the aid station I had some pancakes, eggs and bacon.  I couldn't find any syrup so I had dry pancakes and made it work with the eggs.  They were very nice there. We all looked like zombies in there and laid on our packs for 5 minutes before heading out.  

Favorite part about this section--the group camaraderie and joy of getting to the aid station.  There were a lot of people at the last aid station and on the side of the trail who were calling it quits.  One guy said he was done, his feet looked like mashed potatoes.  I thought, with gravy? I have never heard that saying.  Those of us that stuck together encouraged each other.  We would open a gate and turn back so the next one had it or call ahead, I got the gate.  A shared journey at a time when it is really shitty makes it better.  It is a beautiful climb, it is hard, but it held more memories than the views.

Kamp Kipa to Friendly Pines 8.2 miles, 570 gain, 1664 down

At this point all of us are excited to see our crew. We were all laughing and telling stories and moving along nicely.  There were 5 of us that headed out.  For some reason the tracker wasn't updating and all of our crews were messaging us.  I left with a good group of guys and enjoyed talking with them and about our race so far and other experiences.  I was with a runner for quite awhile and he told me about how he had his phone off for quite awhile and he turned it on and all these messages came through.  One was from the race command asking if he was near a runner named Monica.  Course this message came while his phone was off.  But, he was with his coach and fellow runner and he just started shouting out, Monica?  Monica? Monica?  His friend was really concerned there was a Monica nearby.  He just did it to be funny.  So, we at that moment, shouted out Monica a few times.  It was pretty funny.  It's these random moments that help the miles pass by.  I shared with him that I was looking forward to soaking my feet in some ice water and he was immediately on his phone messaging his crew to get ice and water and a bucket!  He would tell me, they found ice.  They have enough water.  They are getting a bucket.  He couldn't wait!  Me either.

I had a cough developing though.  I took a puff on the inhaler and it seemed to help.  We ended up stretching out distances between each other, mostly because I had to go to the bathroom.  Coming down and into friendly pines there were a million turns and I kept thinking around each turn it was the area or I would see where the aid station was.  I was hallucinating again and seeing skunks, bears, cows, dogs and hearing conversations with no people around.  I just wanted to get to Friendly Pines.  I will have a rest.  I was going to soak my feet in an ice bath.  I was going to have food. I would begin pacing with everyone.  It was going to be a great time. I was coughing and wheezing and annoyed, so I thought we would need to do a breathing treatment.  Try to stay ahead of it.

Kevin met me out on the trail and walked me into where he had things set up.  He had Carolyn Lee with him now and she could help him.  I messaged earlier that if they could find some spaghetti that would be great.  Carolyn Lee made some and brought it for me!!  It was delightful.  I did a breathing treatment and coughed up some crap. Drank a ton of water. Took a shower.  Laid down.  At that time Carolyn Lee consulted with her pulmonologist about giving me Claritin D to get the fluid off of my lungs.  But, it also meant I had to drink a lot more water. It would be okay.  We have a plan in place and we can make sure the lungs are not an issue.  We taped up some hot spots on my feet. I was off with Kevin for the next section.  Happy to start the best part-pacing with friends.  The first 71 miles behind me.

Favorite part of this section--the trails coming into Friendly Pines are great.  Another area I would love to camp and explore those trails more.  I saw a lot of runners out for their daily run and they were so nice and friendly and impressed knowing what I was doing.  I loved their energy and thought how great it would be to run these trails without 5 layers of clothes and fatigue hanging off of me. It is so pretty and the wind blowing in the pines was so nice.  I appreciated how well marked it was too.  With a tired brain it helped so much!!

Friendly Pines to Whiskey Row 7.5 miles, 592 gain, 1,661 down

This section is so pretty going on the smooth trails around the lakes.  Kevin was awesome taking pics and saying we are coming up on this lake or that one.  He was like this tour guide and also telling me to pick up my pace.  At this point Kyung joined us.  We stayed together for many miles.  Kevin had to deal with two still very tired people and kept us moving at a good pace.  He had such fresh legs and excitement.  It was so fun. We did go through this neighborhood area and someone had water bottles out for the runners which was pretty cool.  As we were coming down the road into Whiskey Row a car stopped and asked us if we were local.  Thinking she may be asking for directions so we said no.  She said, well I wanted to report to a local that there was a coyote in the neighborhood.... Oh, okay??? We had no words. Really. I love coming through the neighborhood with the cute houses and inviting front porches.  It evokes a hometown feel with parades, block parties, cool glasses of lemonade on the porches--it is so idyllic.  We came into the whiskey row aid station for a quick turn.  I Ate some pizza which was delightful.  Load up kogalla and long sleeves.  Jared would pick up pacing next.

Favorite part of the section--the change in scenery is so interesting, on trails, in a quiet neighborhood, into the clean city and excitement.  I would love to come and check out the lakes more and those trails there.  So many people and dogs, nice and shady--loved it.

Whiskey Row to Iron King 13.3 miles, 918 gain, 1,279 down

For this section Jared was with Kyung and I.  We had Kyung stay with us for as long as she could with it going into another night and navigating around Watson Lake.  Poor Jared was such a good sport, he had to deal with a couple of sleepy teenagers distracted by things that were not real.  At the start of this section we had the live stream guy with us for a while which was pretty cool.  We were all in good spirits and we had a stop planned at the Maverick gas station for some caffeine. We got in there and Jared was in action man mode getting us directed to the coffee and helping us get our stuff.  I was going up to go pay for them and Kyung had already paid.  I can only imagine the store clerk seeing us come in!  I was able to go to the bathroom and pee.  I was getting filled up on fluids at the aid station stops so I was so full of fluid.  Going through the town there were not too many places to stop to pee.  At one point I was able to pee in an empty lot which started the game of lights off so I could pee.  It was kind of funny announcing I have to pee followed by lights off.  It became the game for the rest of this section.  In this section we go around Watson Lake which is a really cool route where you follow spray painted dots on rocks and at times camo lights that are glowing to head towards.  It is a bit tricky navigating the rocks with fresh legs let alone with almost 90 miles on them and at night.  I am not the most agile and I chose to wear my Hokas given it was mostly road and to have the cushion--they turned out to be terrible on that terrain. Throughout this section Kyung and I saw all kinds of things, mostly animals that were not real.  Jared said, he thinks there were 9 animals seen and only one was real, a javelina.   Jared would go up ahead and shine back to where we needed to walk, often offering his arm to hang onto so we could step down.  I also wouldn't wear the kogalla through there or change it to put it on my chest.  When I would bend at my waist the light would disappear.  After you get through the rocky section you get on the rail trail which is a wide, flat, boring road that goes behind a housing area.  In this section the sleep monster had a stronghold on both of us.  We were sleep-walking and running into each other.  I knew I was about to fall asleep because I would have those thoughts you have before you sleep that make no sense at all.  Like the color of pumpkins and what other things are pumpkin color and why pumpkin is a color and dogs are hairy and fish.  Then I would doze off and trip or run into Kyung or Jared would turn back and shine his light on us and ask if we were okay.  He made sure we were eating and shone the light on us to make sure we were.  He would tell us how much further and how impressed he was with us.  He really kept us moving.  Thankfully we saw Kevin and now we could be on the sidewalk.  However, that sidewalk also was never going to end.  I was so tired and sore.  I just wanted to lay down so badly.  We got in and I had already told Kevin I just wanted to lie down for 5 min and then Kyung said she wanted to lay down for 5 min and I said, so 10 min we will lay down.  We got in and it was like a party.  Carrie and Susan were there all excited and happy and full of energy.  Jared was talking about what we just did.  All the fun and smiles.  I just wanted to lay down for 10 min. I laid on the cot while everyone was standing around and talking.  Carrie thankfully rubbed my legs and I tried to sleep for just a couple minutes. I slept exactly 0 minutes. I was laying there and told it was time to leave.  Just one more minute.  Always just one more minute.  Susan gave me a cup of soup for me to eat and we got Kyung up and going.  Put on some pants and a jacket.  Susan would be taking over pacing duties.

Favorite part of this section--navigating the rocks at night is a lot of fun.  It is like a scavenger hunt.  It would be a lot funner, not as tired of course.  I loved going through the town and the honks from the community and us waving like we are royalty.  It was a lot of fun except for the last few miles.  It reminds me of a trail I go on here that is called Bridle trail.  It is a connection trail to several others and it is the same, flat, boring, endless.  You have to accept the good with the bad and thankfully it is only a few miles of crappy.  I have an idea to make it better next time...games, word and thinking games.

Iron King to Fain Ranch 5.6 miles, 190 gain, 147 down

This section is known as FTFFTF.....find the fucking flags to fain.  This section is basically flat.  It crosses through cow fields and you follow the flags.  I have only done this section at night and it is always terrible.  I told Susan who would be pacing through here that it is not fun and all about trying to find the flags and it will be frustrating as hell.  It started out good with the first field and the wires that held the flags were much taller which was great.  We weren't having any issues at all.  Then you make the turn and go down the road that never seems to end.  Then you climb the gate over the fence into the next field.  This field is void of flags it seems.  We knew we had to get to the highway and just tried to find the best route there.  It involved crossing a muddy, boggy area.  Eventually we made it to the highway and went underneath it.  Not the tunnel from the guide, a different one.  It was pretty cool though.  Then we get to another gate to climb over and continue to find the flag.  By this point the level of excitement in this thriller was gone for both Kyung and I.  Susan was great at finding them and with all of the excitement and joy to show her lights to guide us to her.  Many times we just stood there staring at her so far away willing our bodies to move.  We knew we would have a big rest at the next stop and all we wanted to do was just get there already and it seemed to get further and further away.  From years past I know we have to get to this building and maybe Kevin can flash his lights at us so we know we are close.  I couldn't even see the building and was losing hope.  By now my cough had progressed quite badly and I was beyond miserable.  It was to the point that when I tried to drink or eat it felt like I was drowning.  I was falling behind Kyung and Susan.  Feeling very low.  I knew time was slipping badly.  The more time that slipped, the less sleep.  I finally called Kevin, desperate to know or get reassurance we were close. Kevin told me on the phone that he would be walking out to us to help guide us in on the most direct route.  I was coughing so badly and I felt just so bad that I wasn't able to engage with Susan much on this like I wanted to.  When Kevin met us I was walking with him and just went directly to the camper to get breathing treatments going as soon as possible.  That 5.6 mile section took 2:55 to do.  I just hate it.  Plan for next time is to just do a pin drop at the aid station and make the most direct route there and screw the flags.  I got into the camper and we did back to back breathing treatments and I was able to try to lay down for 2 hours, plan was for 3 but didn't have that luxury anymore.  I spent most of those 2 hours coughing up crappy big chunks out of my lungs.  Kevin did a video but the leg squishy thing on my legs and the breathing machine noise you can't hear what I sounded like.  I think I eventually fell asleep for 20 minutes if I was lucky.  Kevin got me up and said I needed to get ready so that I could make it to Mingus in time.  He also told me he was worried about me going.  He didn't want me to die, being very serious given how bad I was just hours prior.  He was in tears and so worried.  I felt tremendously better and told him I was okay.  I got dressed and taped my foot after draining a blister I had on the bottom of my foot.  I drank down some water and Kevin made me a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.  Carrie was up and getting ready to head out with me taking over pacing duties.  Plan was to leave at 6am.  Kevin told me he told Carrie if I am struggling to tell him and he would come get me.  Kyung left earlier, she was worried she wouldn't be able to keep up with us.  I said sorry to Susan for not being my best self last night and that I appreciated her coming with me.

Favorite part of this section--being done with it.  It is hard to find a positive.  Ummmmmm........ Hmmmmmm....... going through the tunnel part was fun and getting across the muddy part was fun and I was thankful I didn't fall.  I really hate this section.

Fain Ranch to Mingus Mountain, 12.1 miles, gain 2,776 down 202

Carrie and I set off for Mingus Mountain.  I was feeling great.  Legs felt great.  Lungs felt a ton better.  I was like I will be able to turn the memory of this mountain from last year into something better. We had so much fun.  Passed the 100 mile mark and didn't even realize I was 100 miles in.  I decided to start and stop my watch per section and then at the aid stations I would take a pic of where I was in miles if I needed to know.  Carrie and I talked about all the things and all the random stuff.  I was feeling awesome.  I told her I knew about the talk Kevin had with her and reassured her that if I needed to stop or anything I would tell her why. We were cruising along like I was out for just a regular hike on a Saturday with a friend.  This is exactly what I envisioned doing with my pacers.  We cruised up the mountain with ease.  Some natural breaks to catch my breath but nothing like it had been.  No crackles breathing in or breathing out.  I was so happy. We got to the road at the top of the mountain and we were cruising along and we saw Kevin walking towards us.  I told Carrie I would recognize that swagger anywhere.  He walked with us into the aid station just so happy how fast we went and how great I looked and felt.  I walked up the stairs and into the aid station and got the most magical lasagna and pancakes ever.  I never got to eat here last year.  I had some cold coke and was so happy talking with Pam and Carrie.  My Tucson crew.  Kevin had an area set up down the hill for our aid station.  Plan was to do a breathing treatment as a preventative.  Change socks up, grab a layer of clothes, headlamp just in case.  Pam said, we won't need the headlamp, we will be down in 5-6 hours.  Carolyn Lee showed up and she said, I am so fucking proud of you, I can't believe you did it.  She handed a baggie of tootsie rolls to Pam and said she needs to eat these, she can't open them and forgets she has them. Open them and make sure she eats them.  Susan got all emotional saying she was so inspired by me and how amazed she was that I made it to the top.  Given how I was not too many hours before it was a big deal. I left there feeling on top of the world.  Pam was taking over pacing to take me down into Jerome.

Favorite part about section--wow this was the best part of the race with the way I felt.  I loved the views and the jokes we made about the rock face that looked like a bunch of butts, old butts, young butts, droopy butts, tight butts--it was all we could see.  The views were amazing.  I loved it.  I will always treasure this trip up to Mingus because I felt amazing and such a game changer. The other part is that Carrie had to learn how to drive a stick shift so that she could drive Susan's truck from Iron King to Fain Ranch.  She stepped out of her comfort zone to learn to drive!!  I was blown away by that commitment and so incredibly grateful for these amazing people in my life!!

Mingus to Jerome, 16.8 miles, 1,949 gain, down 4.625

Pam and I left out of there up the road to where we would turn left.  I had done a good part of this section in training last year and knew what to expect.  I put on 3 pairs of socks to prepare for the downhill because it is so steep. Pam let me use her trekking poles which were a lot lighter than mine which was really nice. We got to the road to turn left and I suddenly felt miserable.  I felt like I had a vice around my chest.  I felt like I was suddenly suffocating and drowning. I thought I am pretty full from eating, maybe going to the bathroom will help.  Pam thought the same.  So I went and had a good poop.  Felt a little better.  Continued on and it was coming back.  I took a couple puffs on my inhaler which seemed to help at first.  I tried to ignore it. We were talking and going downhill.  The scenery was breathtaking. Oh wait, I was just losing my breath still. We were talking and I noticed it was hard to talk but tried to just ignore it.  I thought the more we go downhill, the less elevation and it will be just easier to breathe. I finally kept having to stop to try to take deep breaths.  My heart was racing out of control.  I kept looking down at my watch baffled that this was going so slow.  I kept having to stop.  I could breath full deep breaths in and out, no coughing just complete tightness.  Pam thought maybe it was fatigue.  So I laid on the side of the trail for 15 minutes and it helped for a little while, then the feeling was back again.  Pam checked my heart rate manually and it was 130-140 and I was standing still.  My heart rate was making me feel like I couldn't breathe.  We tried walking super slow while I tried to calm my heart rate down.  It would calm down for a few seconds then spike again.  I have never had a panic attack before and I felt like I was trapped in one with no way out.  Pam was in contact with Gary who was trying to be positive for us and saying we won't be cut off until we are.  Pam and I were grasping at all the frayed straws we could to find a way for this to turn around.  We tried deep breaths followed by as many steps I could take before I couldn't handle it.  We discussed the contents of my pack of drugs which none would help.  Then I got an idea if Kevin could meet us on the crossing of highway 89 with anti anxiety medication.  Which is cheating.  I do not cheat and I was that desperate.  We saw a couple walking with their dog and I saw she had a purse.  I asked Pam if it would be wrong to ask if she had anxiety medication.  At one point I thought Pam was going to go ask her, but she was just stepping around some water on the trail.  Kevin called me and told me that he would meet us at hwy 89 crossing if I needed to end it, he said he would wait an hour and if things got better he would leave.  I just needed to send him a pin of our location.  I didn't want to.  Sending him our location was the step to saying it was over.  I gave in after a while and sent him the pin thinking it would be temporary.  I tried at some point to put biofreeze on my chest to "trick" my mind that my chest was fine and to calm down. We tried visualizing pleasant calming things.  We tried everything to just get me to calm down.  But, here is the thing.  How do you calm down while thinking the race is over and there is no way out.  How do you calm down knowing you have to make a decision that will cause such immense emotional meltdown and make you feel even worse.  How do you do that? I tried music.  First song, "It ain't over 'til it's over", seriously!! Next song, "Hot and Cold" just like my situation-I am feeling like this is over and lying to myself when the truth is I am dying. Next song, "I'm still standing."  Okay, Okay I can do this. Look at my watch, 6 miles in 4 hours, no way will we get in before the cut off.  Impossible. Spinning out of control again.  Next song, "Don't stop believing", maybe this will pass and we can really start running.  Maybe the effects of the Albuterol and other meds I have in my system that are causing my blood pressure to skyrocket and my heart rate to race will just go a w a y. Next song, "take it easy'.  I was trying to channel the peaceful, easy feeling and failing.  This was not going to go away.  This was not going to change.  This has one conclusion. Next song, "Can't hold us" and I lost it.  This song was such a motivator in training.  It made me excited about the race.  At this moment, all the excitement and training flashed before my eyes and there is nothing I can do to save this.  It is over.  

 I knew this decision would have to be mine.  I had to come to it.  I sat down on a rock and said to Pam.  "I can't do this anymore."  All the resolve I had to try to keep going and strength was unraveled.  I just sat and cried, no, bawling with big snotty snot flowing from my nose and eyes was what was happening.  I just simply couldn't see a way out of this.  I couldn't keep grasping with desperation at the frayed straws that were not helping.  We got up and walked to the spot where we would cross highway 89, where Kevin would meet us and we would wait for him.  Through the entire section Pam was an absolute saint.  She is a nurse and she checked all the boxes to try to figure out what was wrong with me.  She kept me moving when the goal was slipping away.  She understood how much the race was to me but to also balance that with my health and safety.  She was an absolute saint.  I felt so bad that it went down like this.

We are walking along and here comes Kevin.  There was a giant log he stepped over and we came up to the log and I fell apart even more.  Writing this has made me unravel again.  It's helpful to write about it and painful too. I can't believe the race is over.  I can't believe I failed again.  That my lungs did this again. That the rest of my body is strong but my lungs are saying fuck you. I don't know how it went from feeling so amazing on Mingus to this.  Nothing worked to make it better. I don't quit anything.  I felt so defeated and a quitter.  I had to make this decision though for my health, for our safety, for the right reasons.  I knew if we continued the way it was going it wasn't going to get better.  Regardless of cut offs--physically and emotionally it was not going to get better.  There were absolutely no benefits to continuing.  I had to step over that log to finish this race.  I didn't want to.  Kevin kept saying sweetheart we need to go, step over the log.  I just kept bawling.  I was coughing up snot and spitting and at one point I spit on Kevin's shoe. It was a scene.  At the same the sweeper for the course was there witnessing this moment of complete devastation.  I felt so bad for him.  I am falling apart, Kevin and Pam are crying.  He is crying and says, I am not going to sweep you, it is okay.  Poor guy.  I think Pam explained the situation to him.  I eventually climbed over the log.  Climbed over the finish line of my race. Climbed in the truck.  Eventually I stopped my watch.  We made it just over 7 miles in 4:30 hours.  A panic attack on the side of the mountain for 4:30 hours. Ending Cocodona 23.

We got in the truck and started heading to Deadhorse state park aid station so I could turn in the trackers.  The sweeper sent Steve the Race Director a message that my race ended at the spot we were at the log.  115 miles.  There was a funny point in the truck with the tootsie rolls.  Pam throughout the section we were together would unwrap a tootsie roll and give it to me.  Sometimes random and sometimes after a moment that was a victory or just a moment. We were in the truck and she gave me one.  It was funny and sweet at the same time. You get a tootsie roll =)

Favorite part of this section--the views were insane.  Just gorgeous.  Pics do not do it justice.  It was so green like a jungle.  It is steep but so pretty.  I loved the shady parts and it was so crazy to look back to see how far down we had come with so much further to go.  I loved looking out and seeing Sedona knowing I would be there the next day.  It didn't happen the way I wanted by no means, but I treasure the miles and views I could experience until I couldn't anymore.

Deadhorse and beyond

We pulled into the parking area by the aid station and Gary was there to pick up Pam.  I just can't stop crying.  Gary gave me a hug and in the midst Pam asks Kevin if she can give me a gift?  Kevin, not knowing what to say, said yes.  She gave me her trekking poles I used.  It was so sweet.  I love them and they are perfect and will be with me forever.  We said our goodbyes to them.

We saw Jay and his friend who were supporting Jenny Dolak and they came up and gave me a hug saying how sorry they were that the race ended for me.  I was coughing up crap and spitting, so glamorous.  His friend Jason, said, "from all the veterans out here, you are a warrior and fucking badass and you made all us veterans proud!" It was pretty awesome and I was grateful for the support.

Handing over the trackers is the hardest part.  It is so definitive that it is over.  Tracking me on the journey is done.  The DNF (Did not Finish) is solidified.  These trackers didn't make it across the finish line on the body that should have taken them there. I am so sorry.  I was testing a tracker for Steve and I felt the compounding list of people I let down, is that I let him down too.  However, the ultra running community is one of the most amazing groups in the world.  I walked into the aid station with Kevin to turn in the trackers and went to tell them and hand them over.  They were full of hugs and understanding. Lee and his wife Lori were the captains of the aid station. Lee came over and just gave me a giant hug saying how sorry he was that my race ended the way it did.  Lori hugged me and said how impressed she was. I had the courage to come back after the DNF last year.  She DNFd and she said she didn't have the courage to come back, yet.  It was good to talk to them and made me feel a little better.  Everyone was just so kind and understanding.

We headed over to our campsite where Liz was going to meet us at.  She was supposed to pace me from Deadhorse to Deer Pass so she was already there/on the way when I fell apart on the route to Jerome.  Kevin would have paced me from Jerome into Deadhorse.  Another person I let down.  She took off work to come up here.  I walked up and she walked towards me and I just started crying again.  She is crying and hugging me telling me how awesome I did and that 115 miles is so amazing and how strong I am.  All the things to make me feel better.  She was amazing and I was so grateful she was there.  Kevin had sent her on a mission to go get meatballs from this place in Cottonwood for me to have when I got in.  She wanted to be able to help somehow and that was her job to do.  She was way out of her comfort zone by driving up here by herself and staying in her car.  She was parked at our campsite.  I am so proud of her!  She hung out with us and talked to me, it was so great her just being there and talking with me and Kevin.  I ate some of the dinner, my mouth was really raw and it was sensitive to food with flavor.  It also tasted like albuterol.  Which is a gross taste to have. We found out later that Kyung DNFd at Jerome.  Her back really seized up on her and the ultra lean was pretty bad. 

Lynn and Linda messaged Kevin if it was okay to call me.  They were so worried about me and my mental health following another DNF.  Me too!  Kevin knew I would be okay, he was worried too of course, but he knew I was strong and we would get through this.  Lynn and Linda got on the phone and the pair of them were a mountain of support and kindness.They have been alongside Kevin, my super fans and encouraging and supporting me the entire way. My heart was aching for the disappointment of them not being able to see me finish again.  But they made me feel better by talking about how many haven’t finished and the accomplishments I made in training to even get to the starting line.  I am incredibly grateful for their support.

I eventually needed to take a shower and get some sleep.  The shower felt amazing. It was the first time I could see the damage to my face.  My eyes were puffy from crying and sleep deprivation.  For whatever reason, my face breaks out terribly following long races.  It was a mess.  I scrubbed it and eventually got some acne wash pads to deal with it.  It was quite painful. I went to bed and slept a couple hours before waking up and thinking I needed to get out to run.  It was this same pattern for several days.  My legs didn't hurt at all.  They got stiff from lack of movement the first day or so.  My toe muscles were sore which was weird.  I had one blister and I had it taped up and it went away.  If it wasn't for the crap in my lungs, I could have gone out and ran another 145 miles.

That night we had a funny encounter with a skunk.  This guy or girl was so determined to get into our trash and spread it across the campground.  We kept trying to shout at it to leave.  We poured water on it.  We did all these things to scare it away.  We had some other stuff outside we didn't want him to get into-my stinky snack filled pack, my tailwind supply to say the least. No tailwind-skunky like cocaine bear lol.  Here is a video of "Cocodona skunky".

Cocodona skunky

In the morning I had coffee with Liz and I was in better spirits.  We were laughing about some of the things I said and did.  One of them was Kevin talking about a section or something and I said, "I don't know, I was busy".  So that became the saying for a while, "I was busy". I was also talking about cows and kept calling them cattles.  I was sleep deprived for sure.

I needed to send a message to all my crew though.  They of course knew I DNFd.  This is what I wrote.

"Good morning everyone.  I want to tell you all how much I appreciate all of your love and support.  I had one heck of an amazing journey and I couldn't have gotten to the 115 mile mark without all of you.  I am grateful for many experiences and such amazing moments out there.  I am proud of what I did and proud to have been able to make the decision to end the race when I did.  I didn't expect or want it to end that way.  I knew that I couldn't continue without jeopardizing mine and Pam's safety.  I don't feel that I quit in an emotional sense, I feel that my body was screaming at me to listen and I had to listen to stop. I am coughing a lot today.  My legs and feet are perfectly fine.  Just the cough remains.  Thank you again.  I love you all dearly and blessed beyond measure for all your support."

I also needed to post to Facebook because the amazing outpouring of support was incredible and people were noticing my status changed to DNF.  I needed to tell them.  This is what I wrote.

"This post is difficult to write but it needs to be done.

I didn’t finish the Cocodona 250. The race beat me again.

I made it 115 miles over some of the most rugged, difficult, amazingly gorgeous terrain.

I ran/hiked with the most incredible athletes out there, many who did not finish the race either.

I was blessed to run/hike with my pacers, Kevin, Jared Harding, Susan Alexander, Carrie Harris, Pamela Hoyt. We all shared so many miles of this course together which was my most favorite time of all.

I got to run/hike with my friend Kyung Lee for so many miles of our journey. She is one of the toughest athletes out there. We sleep walked together. Laughed together. Endured together.

So what happened?

I had issues with my breathing and lungs again. I had this issue last year and we brought the breathing machine and I had a rescue inhaler in case it happened again. I started having issues on late morning day 2. Carolyn Lee is part of my crew and she, with some input from her pulmonologist friend, gave me Claritin D to help get the fluid out of my lungs to open them up. Which was working great. Coupled with the breathing treatments and using the inhaler when I would start to do a big climb or feel that struggle with breathing.   Late into night 2 going into day 3 I was really struggling. I did a breathing treatment and rested for a couple hours which was really coughing up crap the whole time.

I woke up on day 3-yesterday and felt a lot better. I had a big climb ahead that was not just a section of the course, but a monumental one because it was where my race fell apart last year.

Carrie and I bombed up Mingus and I felt absolutely amazing. Not one single wheeze, shortness of breath. Nothing. Amazing. It was such a victory and I knew the rest of the race would be easy.

Before I left with Pam we decided to do a breathing treatment for preventative measures for the next 16 miles, which were mostly downhill going into Jerome.

We left and less than 300 feet later I felt very uncomfortable. I felt like I was very full, which I did eat a lot. I felt bloated. I felt like I was getting squeezed. I was having some shortness of breath all of a sudden and it didn’t make sense. I went to the toilet and I was a little better. We thought it was because of the altitude and digesting a big meal. I drank tons of fluid there too. Thought it would ease up. It did for a little while and then it would come back. A squeezing feeling around my chest. My heart rate would go up and it felt very strange. Pam is a nurse and we went through many strategies to identify what it was. We thought it was exhaustion. I laid down for 15 min. Felt a little better and it came back. I did deep breathing and it would be better and come back. We narrowed it down to a reaction to the Albuterol which is in the breathing treatment and my inhaler which I used also. It would just be a time issue for it to calm down and leave my system. It felt like an elephant on my chest and I was having incredible anxiety to go along with it.

I need to be able to breathe, the more my heart rate would go up, the harder it was to breathe. The more it slowed me down, the higher my anxiety went about how I wouldn’t make the cut off that the race was over. How do you make a major anxiety driven decision in the midst of a 4 and half hour anxiety attack on the side of a mountain?

We were in contact with Kevin and Gary, Pam’s partner and they knew where we were and where they could meet us. I did a pin drop to Kevin as we were coming up to crossing a main highway. He said I will meet you there if you need to end this, if you don’t I am close if you need me.

The decision needed to be mine.

I sat down on a rock. I said to Pam I just can’t do this anymore. I completely melted down. Nothing was working. Music. Meditating thoughts. Deep breathing. Nothing. I was fooling myself to think it was getting better. It was physically impossible to make the next 8 miles before being cut off. Then I would have to immediately continue to make the next one. There would be no rest. The decision was made. I had to listen to my body that was screaming at me to listen.

We made our way to where Kevin would be able to meet us and he was there. I completely fell apart.  There was a log there I had to climb over to get to the truck. It was a massive metaphor—climb over the log—make that decision. The guy sweeping the course came up to us. I felt bad for him to witness the scene of an athlete unraveling like this. He was in tears too. It was so heartbreaking and it still is.

It was the right decision to make for not just myself but for Pam too. For our safety. It was getting cooler and we had 8 more very remote miles ahead. 

I know I was ready for this race more than anything. I thought I was ready with my lungs. This never happens in training. Just in Prescott!!! I got some sleep and some food. I still have a cough. My legs and feet are fine. Like I never ran.

I will write more in a blog about the adventure.

I am proud of myself. I gave absolutely everything I had out there. It is a hard course. This year was the original course and multiple magnitudes harder than last year. I did 115 miles and loved every one of them.

Thank you all for all of your support. I have had some time this morning to read through messages and posts. Thank you. "

The comments were so amazing and I just cried with so much love and support and understanding.  I have included pics of the comments here because when I am feeling low, I don't want to lose them.  I can draw strength when I am not sure I have anything left.

One comment I want to point out that really hit home:

Honore who is already on the list for people to ask to pace in 2025 wrote:

“One hundred fifteen miles. That’s a lot more to type than just a quick 115.  Your one hundred fifteen miles included seventeen THOUSAND four hundred fifty six feet of climbing.  That’s more vert than Mount Foraker, the third tallest mountain in the United States (thank you Wikipedia).  Your legs and feet feel great?  Holy shit-that’s a freaking W right there!  Was it a race finish? Nope.  Was it a success? Abso-freaking-lutely.  You just keep getting stronger and it’s amazing to watch.  And even more…it does not break you.  So amazed by your strength.”

That really hit home for me to be very proud of what I did accomplish. It is so easy to say, “I only… or I did just…. Or I didn’t finish what I started…” so many things to devalue what I accomplished.  We are our worst critic and the first to devalue our worth.  Read that again.  I won’t do that to myself.  I can’t.  I have survived so much in this half century on this planet to do that to myself anymore.  I am incredibly blessed by people I surround myself with that support me, don’t judge me or underestimate what I can do.  I know many have doubted, I have doubted many times.  But, I won’t devalue my accomplishment.  One of the things that changed me from this last year and preparing myself and coping with the DNF is I reduced my circle of people that don’t throw disappointment, snide remarks made out of jealousy, toxicity, negativity, doubt–they are not in my circle of support anymore.  I won’t defend my “failures”.  I won’t defend my journey because you don’t understand.  I won’t defend my spirit because you are blind to see it.  This is me.  I am a fighter, a survivor and I am not backing down–I am figuring this out and will come back stronger, smarter, fierce and humble.  Cocodona has a way of humbling you into a manner that makes you come away a better human with a few more physical and life lived scars.

The remainder of the day we needed to find a place to stay for the night and we decided on either Munds Park or Schnebly Hill.  Our friends, Lynn and Linda were on their way down from Colorado.  They were supposed to be my pacers from Sedona to Schnebly and from Schnebly to Munds Park.  They were planning on taking some donkeys back with them to Colorado also.  I felt bad again that they took time off of work and made the plan to come for Cocodona and again, I did not finish or get to the point for them to both pace me.  Kevin and I needed to find a place though to camp for the night that would accommodate us and them.  First we had to stop at the grocery store.

Here is a funny thing--Coco brain--a phenomenon that happens to both crew and runner.  You make bad decisions, have poor planning, make impulse purchases and mostly don't understand what is going on in the world.  So, it makes perfect sense to go to the grocery store without writing anything down to get some supplies for the next few days.  At the Walnut Creek aid station they were going to have Frito Pie and I told Kevin boy that will give us quite a "push" up Elden.  So on the menu at the store was frito pie fixings. I was craving baked beans so that was added.  We had hot dogs and burgers still and we needed a couple things for them.  We needed coffee, milk, face wipes for the acne situation.  It doesn't seem like a lot but we were all over the store forgetting what the heck we were getting and what we were doing.  It was comical.  We knew we needed to get gas and we were going to look up where we were and we literally parked across from a gas station.  I suggested we should get some lunch because we aren't making much sense.  KFC for the win!

We checked out Munds but it was too small of an area so we decided to check out Schnebly and ended up having to go pretty far down the road to try to turn around.  The runners were coming up the road, so we decided to get out and offer them snacks from my crew snacks cooler.  It brought me great joy to do that.  We found our spot and it was within about a 1/4 mile from the aid station so we walked down there knowing that Rachel was going to be in there and would be heading out soon. It was nice to meet her family and crew. Faces to the names and who she told me about.   We had some time to meet Lynn and Linda coming in to get them to our camp location before she headed out. We got them parked and the dogs on leashes and headed down the road to see Rachel off. 

Headed back to camp and hung out and talked, had some dinner when Kevin checked the FB Cocodona 250 runners page and saw that Jay posted if anyone was available to pace Jenny?  She would be in very soon and he was trying to get her a quesadilla.  So we said-we got it.  We got Lynn setup with kogalla and gear.  Kevin went to work making her a quesadilla and we zoomed down there shortly after she sat down at the aid station. Lynn knew the mission was to keep her moving to gain some time because she was losing time being on her own. He checked in with us multiple times while they were out to see she was on track.  We were watching the tracker and set an alarm.  Then we checked and they made up some time so we jump in the truck and zoomed to Munds Park.  Met them there-well Linda and Kevin--were ringing bells bringing them in.  It was the middle of the night.  Kind of funny really.  But, Jenny came in looking great and we helped get her set up to send her out with her pacer Lena who got there in the nick of time. 

We got back to camp and I had thank you bags for Lynn and Linda with some stickers and stuff and it was like 2 or 3 in the morning.  They were so cute arguing over stickers and trying to steal them from each other.  They are family to us and it was awesome!!  We finally had to get to sleep with 3 dogs sleeping everywhere.  I slept for an hour and woke up wondering why I wasn't running and if it was time to run.  I went outside with the dogs to take them to pee. This sleep pattern would continue for several days.

We got up in the morning and checked the tracker and saw that Rachel and Jenny will be at Tuthill soon.  Lynn found this little plastic figurine which was so funny because Rachel and I had that experience with the warrior saying on to the water.  So I took a pic of it to show her at Tuthill, she loved it.  Jenny and Lena left out of there right around the same time.  We didn't get to see Rachel again--she finished in the middle of the night and we missed her.  We were able to be there for Jenny's finish which was awesome!!

While they were out there killing it on the course--Lynn, Linda, Kevin and I went to breakfast at Mike and Rhonda's place.  A fun diner with amazing food and the biggest biscuits I have ever seen.  We had a couple other errands to run also with some parts for their trailer and meds for Lola the dog who was having some constipation issues.  We were going to be meeting Dave and Dirty Bob with the donkeys sometime that afternoon so we were just hanging out waiting.  With having a giant meal comes sleepy time.  We were in the parking lot at Ft Tuthill squeezed in around all the stuff in the camper taking a nap.  There was a loud knock at the door and we were all so confused-donkeys?  It was Kathy, Kevin's sister who was coming to bring crutches for Kevin after his knee surgery.

Dave and Dirty Bob ran into a lot of traffic issues and got in around 4:30-5:00 pm.  We got the donkeys out and walked around for a little bit and a really cool thing happened.  These two women pulled up and the driver jumped out so excited to see the donkeys.  She was part of the Aravaipa staff and was just so excited and blown away to see them. It was awesome.  Eventually we had to send Lynn and Linda for the long drive home to Colorado.  Lynn had to work on Saturday so they needed to hit the road as soon as possible.  

Kevin and I got into our camp spot set up at Ft Tuthill and we had Frito Pie for dinner like we would have for the race.  I love that he does these things with me that may seem small, but help soften the blow from the DNF.  We got a little drunk, we laughed a lot, we ate frito pie and cheesecake on a stick.  There isn't anyone on this planet that could hold me and understand my tears and laugh with me at the complete absurdity of it all.  

The most insane part of all of this--I wasn't sore. I had one blister that was managed. I had no chafing.  I had no further GI issues.  My body was strong and I could have done the miles.  I was trained for this.  My head was right.  I had about 31 minutes total of sleep and I was doing great, until I wasn't.  That is the hardest part to accept.  I went from feeling 100% to 0% in such a short time.  The only thing was my lungs and heart rate.  My heart rate resumed normal 3 days later. 11 days later I only have a cough when I laugh really hard,which I try to do often.

The next morning we were on the tracker seeing when Jenny would be coming in for the finish.  We got there and saw her come in and the last finishers.  It was so awesome to see them accomplish this amazing goal!!  I was able to talk with Steve the race director more too.  He had texted me shortly after my trackers were turned in.  He felt so bad I had the DNF. I told him I was sorry I didn't get the tracker to the finish line.  He said, I gave the trackers to two of my friends and both of you didn't make it.  Awe shucks, I am his friend.  I told him about what happened and that I will be back again.  Jared was there at the finish line too and prior to this we talked about him doing it.  After being part of the race--he is hooked.  He already registered!!!  I told him that I am not doing it next year, but we would gladly crew him.  I will be back in 2025.  It will be fun to crew him and be able to pace him too.  We talked about gear and things to look into.  Welcome to the Coco crazy crew!! 

We headed back to camp and had some breakfast and Megan came by to give me a hug and chat for a while.  It was great to see her! Kevin and I made a plan to do the Sedona section crossing Oak Creek, which was so much fun.  It felt amazing.  We had such a fun hike and the rest of the day with a trip to Dairy Queen for a burger and a shake.  It was a perfect day. 

We had one more day and we chose to do the ascent of Mt Elden.  We really had no real expectations knowing what was in store.  Our concern for the race was always, will we be warm enough?  We loaded up layers just for the hike because we are from Tucson and this is cold!  It was gorgeous and it was steep but not as scary as we envisioned.  The Wind was insane and how cold it was at the top.  So, we have some research to do for the right clothes to wear for that section.  It was awesome though and we had a lot of fun.  Stopped for a slice of pizza on the way home and to fill our propane tanks.  It was pretty cold at night and our heat was running a lot.  Crazy to be so cold. 

The next day meant time to go home and back to reality.  It was a quiet ride home.  The heaviness of it all really sets in.  Unloading the camper and all the stuff back into the house is so depressing.  I equated it to a bride that was left at the altar and she has to carry all the decorations and the little things she put out for the guests, the memory makers, the center pieces--put it all away until she is a bride again.  Knowing that I won't do this until 2025 it makes me think if all the supplies will still be good and what will expire.  That's depressing shit.  It is all part of the process.  

No time to be sad, because life still goes on.  Kids have concerts, talent shows, soccer practice and life to attend to.  Animals are a mess and make messes and have to be taken care of.  Kevin had meniscus surgery on his knee on Thursday so that needed to be dealt with.  We have things to take care of for him to retire from the police department.  I need to find a pulmonologist and get an allergy test panel done. Life needs to keep moving forward.  

We did an after action report last year and made a lot of changes for this year and again we did another after action report.  Here are the highlights that maybe will help you:

• Big Robe to wear while at crew aid station to keep warm
• Light stand at crew aid station to light up the area vs headlamps and looking for stuff
• Larger pack for layers–got a new pack for Mother’s Day 
• Van for Aid station with camper at base camp locations-we made it work with a truck but a van would be so much better
• Don't camp at Bumble Bee-move base camp to Prescott or Fain Ranch instead
• Better at rolling legs at each aid station
• Need at least 2 people to crew-more the merrier-need people to commit to multiple days-hard to do with one person
• If crew is pacing-make sure they have opportunity to sleep/rest prior to section
• Add Luko tape to first aid kit
• Camper Shower Tent thing to change in at crew aid station--I changed in the dark completely nude-spedudy on side of truck at Crown King-saved time
• Carry more water for Crown King with a filter, starting with 5L-drank close to 9...
• Bring or be prepared to carry more bottled water-at Whiskey it tasted funny-had enough to fill mine but not my pacers or Kyung
• Iron King to Fain Ranch-google map drop pin and just follow most direct path vs trying to find flags
• Trail naps more often vs crew station naps-too loud and couldn't sleep
• Explore running only phone-just has maps and connection on it
• Moist meals to eat while walking leaving aid stations-collapsible bowls?  Practice eating meal in bowl while walking-explore different meals, spaghetti chopped up, pasta, mac n cheese, rice and veg/meat, breakfast bowls with eggs/sausage-save time at aid trying to eat, eat while moving, camp meals
• Red bull/caffeine in soft flask
• Flask for hot fluids to carry and drink-for broth/coffee/soup etc.
• Extra/more efficient layers for cold-Elden etc.
• Multiple space blankets
• Trash bags for each aid/crew station stop
• Monday/Tuesday--camping closer to Prescott--Fain Ranch or Groom Creek for Base Camp
• Wednesday--Deadhorse
• Thursday--Schnebly Hill or Ft Tuthill
• Friday-Sunday--Ft Tuthill

The last photo-how it began, the results, my erratic heart rate and how it ends with an email from the race director.

How you go forward is how you will survive.  I could be mopey and cry a lot.  I could run my legs off.  I could eat my weight in cookies.  I could drink myself stupid.  I could do a mix of all of it and accept it and be okay.  I am okay.  I have moments.  But, we have a great future planned.  We have a Rim to Rim to Rim planned for September, we have donkey races and trips to Colorado.  We have a life of adventure still ahead of us.  I will figure out what is going on with my lungs and come back in 2025 with a solution in place that is tried and tested and works.  When I cross that finish line it will be more than a finish--IT WILL BE FUCKING EPIC!!